journey back to the beginning

stepping off the plane a euphoric emotion enveloped this wearied body. having been beaten back to the point of submission i was ready to come back to the place i once called home.
to the familiar faces and familiar places of childhood dreams and boyhood laughs. the brisk smell of chicago air was enough to place the glimmer of hope into the fading twinkle of eyes that were red from six cups of coffee and four hours of sleep per day. it's enough to know that love was the key to unlock the heart of a man that has refused to let the light shine brightly upon him for fear that to emerge from darkness would mean that he would forget the purpose of his goals.

the sunlight reflects off of the whiteness of snow to make the world seem that much more beautiful than went i left to embark upon my journey. my mother. father. my two brothers. and my friends. arms outstretched. i yearned for their embrace. for their compassion. for their encouragement.

but here i stand. one down. five more to go. the clock runs towards a new year filled with new wishes for a tomorrow filled with exciting challenges and heightened expectations. into the ready position. click. go.

smokeless

where went the days of spirited vigor. when i could raise my fist in defiance of everything i knew or thought was ever wrong in the world and mean it. where has the anger gone? the moments where one could be lit afire by the discomforted instances that plague our existence. to find myself dreaming of standing on picket lines with a loudspeaker and a decent-looking sign that would express into words all of the emotions i was feeling.

emptiness has enveloped the once inspired fighter of racial inequality. lack of sleep as warped passion into learning how to cope from the heaviness of the day to day. where are the dreams of that better tomorrow? to feel that sense of pride to be amongst those that wanted, not the world, but their fair share. to forgo rational thought and rather be caught up in just being happy by exhaling the pent up frustration. my jaw is tired from remaining clenched. my holding back that which i thought i would never keep silent.

character and fitness. that's what it has really come down to. in a school to uplift hopes it has done that but has drained me of feeling. i feel like i have lost my soul to be that someone of the future. but i guess that happens in life. learning to embrace that step forward. but at the same time, to feel that sorrow in my being. from reading emails and feeling nothing. to wake up every morning and touch the floor with my feet i feel nothing. nande?

it was that dream i had 23 years ago.

where marshmallows gravitated towards the earth only to cover it in a sweet and sticky blanket.

where footprints of light blue led weary bodies back to the beginning.

where emptied streets echoed sounds of a million more.

where hearts fall.

where darkness falls.

where life becomes breathe.

where hope is locked away.

we find solace in knowing that this is not a dream.

that this is not what we had wished for.

upon moonbeams that emitted from our toes and our fingertips.

where the voices in our heads could never communicate.

it was the a milky way rollercoaster that got us here.

and the candlelit hour of night that made the sun rise the next day.

blistex and lottery tickets galore.

when will i be able to come home.

the incandescent glow of the night light that hangs continuously over the stack of books on my desk brings back the flood of memories i was hoping to suppress for just one more month. i had spam and rice tonight (last night too). it was reminiscent of those family times i now am longing for. i'm still in the process of letting go. maybe not letting go, but learning to move on with life. my family will always be there. no doubt. but it's only me sitting at the dinner table with the hashi in one hand and my civil procedures supplement in the other. the late night discussions of our family's future at the table is now conducted over skype. the laughter is nonexistent. silence has filled the void. the sound of the voice in my head telling me to keep moving forward and not to look behind. the days of childhood have passed and my hand must keep steady as it opens the door of tomorrow.

i've been craving japanese food. there isn't any around here. i traveled 5 miles to attempt to go to a really expensive restaurant at farragut north the other day to find that it was closed on sundays. a familiar tale of working with the letdowns that never quite seem to let up. i was hoping for just a small taste of tonkatsu or a medium size bowl of udon. that would've revived the spirit of a man nearly broken. well, i guess spam will have to do.

i stood out in the rain tonight with eyes closed. captivated in each drop as it descended from the sky, it covered me in one of earth's purest element. washing away the the sleeplessness of times i wished to uncover but couldn't. it reminded me of the fortune that lay in wait. of the reasons i embarked upon a journey that i thought i wasn't ready for. the journey i'm still awaiting to fulfill. so many expectations for a brighter tomorrow that is just over that unreachable horizon. i wanted to embrace every drop tonight. as if my being could be drenched in sorrow to heal my longing. my eyes closed. my heart racing yet steady to the beat in my head. i see that my inner child has been led astray to leave a disfigured shadow of wishful thinking. i no longer see the urgency to understand purpose. but rather enjoy the seconds of each unhindered moment. capricious am i. distant echoes chant expediency. the sound is deafening. my clothes are permeated by the voices in my head that instruct me to keep moving forward. but there i was and here i am. standing on the sidewalk in the rain. eyes closed. heartbeat and cars are the only sounds i hear tonight.

in the HUSL

I, B, am now a member of the HUSL.

I have overcome many obstacles to reach the Hilltop.

I am now home, I am now a Bison.

I am part of the Howard legacy, filled with traditions of powerful leadership and undying service set forth by eminent Black scholars and others from around the world.

I am part of a family where diversity is a blessing, difference is expected and each new experience is an opportunity to be better than I was before.

I am not an island but part of a greater community and it is my duty to lift as I climb.

I am the paragon of all academia and the future of my country.

I am committed to academic achievement, striving to enhance my education and that of my fellow classmates.

I will live by the golden rule and do unto my colleagues as I would have done unto me.

I will remember that my integrity is measured not by what others see me do, but by what I do when no one is looking.

I will make a positive contribution to the overall success of my university.

I, Brandon R. Mita, accept the challenges of being a future graduate of Howard University and all of the responsibilities thereafter for the benefit of myself, my family, my community, and my alma mater.

I am a member of the Howard University family!

I am at the Capstone, the Mecca, I am Home.

crazy supermarket dream

the byproduct of my many sleepless nights while at home, sitting there with my brother, when we start to note how hungry were getting. either that, or we're just plain bored and are looking for something to do so we end up going for a drive to catch the midnight air. so we're driving down what seems to be mccormick avenue and just now, i'm noticing how barren it all is. finally we make it to a supermarket and my brother is extremely reluctant to enter the supermarket for some reason or another. and i say to him, "just go ahead and buy 5-6 things that are under $15 a piece." so right from the start i see this indian woman at about age 25 doing some cleanup work and i also note this white guy who i could've gone to grade school with. but, he's probably fucked up his life and is now working at a supermarket. my brother starts to grab things and i notice he's grabbed three boxes of donuts, which is cool because i've been having an actual mad craving for donuts. i noticed he's grabbed two flavors of cake--strawberry and blueberry. i tell him he's the only one who will be eating that and it doesn't make sense to buy two. i tell him to return one of the two. he goes and comes back and i notice he's returned the blueberry one, which i find odd because he's always liked blueberry much better than strawberry. as we're strolling down the aisles, i see this older balding idiot, probably the manager, running up and down the aisles, screaming at the tops of his lungs to every, single one of his employees. as i'm walking along the outskirts of the aisles i hear yelling over a loudspeaker saying to the indian woman employee, "what did i tell you about cooking and eating food while on the job, are you incompetent?" i glance at her as tears are welling up in her eyes and she's just thrown out a plate full of indian basmati rice and some curry. my blood is starting to boil, but i realize that i'm just a customer so i continue to walk down the aisles. finally i pass the aisle the manager is in as he's crouching over to inspect canned goods when all of a sudden he's yelling at the guy who i thought was my grade school friend. now, i'm pissed that this guy is really a bum who thinks he has authority and is being an asshole about it and making people feel bad. so finally i walk over to this kitchen - an area in the store and there is some pasta cooking and i guess i politely ask "is that some rozatta you got cooking there?" he looks at me and says " what the hell are you talking about?" so finally, after witnessing the mistreatment of basically all of the employees and this one man thinking he's a fucking tyrant, i look at him and step right up to him and say "what the fuck is your problem asshole? why do you have to think that you're better than everyone else here?" i continue to persist with my questions and the grade school friend who's an employee is pleading with me to stop, but i neglect to take in his words and continue badgering the manager. finally the manager who's had enough with me, opens a drawer and pulls out a long and sharp pair of scissors. he starts swinging it around like a madman and i'm telling this guy to chill the fuck out. finally i'm like "fuck this!" and whip out my cell phone. the manager is threatening harm against me if i proceed to call the cops. i flip open my helio and begin dialing "9-1-1" when he yells at the grade school friend employee to get me. the guy turns and starts running after me. he's a lot bigger all of a sudden than i had initially realized when entering the store. i turn the corner and dash around the turnstile that connects the kitchen to the rest of the supermarket, hop the register area, and zenpo kaiten ukemi over the handrails that keep people from jacking carts from the store. my brother is nowhere in sight and i've got this sinking feeling that he's still stuck in the store and has been taken hostage by the fucking psycho manager. but, me in my stupidity begin dreaming about how my shoes have rollerblades in them and i try to go get help by dashing down some long stairways as i'm trying out the rollerblades system lodged in my shoes. and then, my dream cuts off and i awake.

mantra for law school

WHAT IS MY ROCK?

be purposefully transparent. be forthright with my convictions. be confident with my identity. be honored to follow those that came before me. be willing to admit my faults. be firm in my belief that i belong here.

be ready. be strong. be for real.

MY GOD IS A YELLOW and BROWN WOMAN
WHO BELIEVES IN JUSTICE FOR
ALL PEOPLE OF COLOR.

farewell with aacc

tonight i said my goodbyes to my fellow resisters of the system. aacc has been the blood of my college years. renewing my faith in that one can find friends from the most coincidental of circumstances. i never thought i would be so honored to forge bonds with with those that stood against everything for the right to learn.

i look back at my years with aacc with loving care and i remember the very first days i raised my fist in defiance alongside those so few, yet so willing to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of our society. i find it almost a blissful end to an era where i defined myself and my ideals as an asian american student activist. i will embrace those times and utilize those memories as reasons for my existence in the future.

to steven, sae rom, elaine, ryan and soo, a fond thank you for the wonferful farewell. i will surely miss the laughs, the sweat, and tears that we shared on sleepless nights. with luck and fate, i will return stronger and ready to be a leader for us all. be well my friends.

looking back at tomorrow

twenty-three fucking years i've been waiting to get away. my feet were already moving forward before my heart was ready to embrace that new beginning. one month left and i'm just now beginning to see the beauty that exists here. i guess that's the cycle of things. you don't notice what's here until it's gone and it's not even like i'm out and have had time to reflect on the two and near half decades that i've spent in this city.

it's gotta be the friends i've made here. that, and the fear of the unknown that lies ahead. so much ground to make up and issues to add to my repertoire. may i have the strength to take life by two hands and shake the change from its pockets. and may that change be beautiful and uplifting. because my challenges lie in my resistance against complacency. because i feel the moonbeams exiting from my toes and from the tips of my hair telling me that my dreams lay in wait for that tomorrow over the horizon.

if i was a certain flavor dum-dum, what flavor would i be? this was the question i was asked this morning as i filled out the paperwork at the local ups to have all of my apartment forms sent to the place i'll be living for the next year. i've lived at my house since i was two-barring the one year i spent at the dorms-since i was two. that's a long fucking time. but this is for real and it's been hitting me as the clock ticks closer to my future in a new city. east coast rap. east coast weather. east coast style ramen. as my dad used to say, "east coast liberalism." i have to admit that i'm pumped about that.

as blue scholars spits on their latest album, which i happen to be listening to as i write this, i have high wishes to engage in a social, cultural and political awakening and "spark a fire for the cold in the dark...more fire for the people...more jobs for the people....more music for the people."

chicks dig an asian american?

growing up, i remember i used to be more than average girl crazy. waking up early to fix my hair--using a ton of moose. cleaning my gold-rimmed glasses. picking out my best silk shirt, i was always the best dressed for school. when the yearbook came out every spring, my friends and i would sit there and determine which of the lucky ladies would have the opportunity to be special enough to be my girlfriend. but, girls and the game didn't come easy. not that it ever did. all of the hard work never seemed to pay-off quite like those white football players kids in grade school. the ones who didn't give a shit, came to school in messed-up ripped clothes, and never paid any attention to class, style and manners. yet every single time, they were the ones to end up with the ladies on the dance floor and i found myself sitting on the sidelines drenched in loneliness.

i'll never forget the eighth grade dance where i had asked this one girl, tiffany clarito, to the end-of-the-year dance and everyone had a partner or date to go with. she was this girl who i had been interested in for awhile and we were friends. it just made sense. she liked my sense of humor and my wittiness in class. but all that shit went out the window when it came down to who she was going to go with. i'll never forget her approach at my locker after school one day when she shut me down. stake through my heart. flares over my head. and fuck-off written on her forehead. i went alone. i didn't have fun. and humiliation kept me indoors all summer.

looking back at those times, where i wanted to constantly shoot myself in the foot, i see now that i was foolish in my mentality of looking at things when it came to how to handle the ladies. not that i have it all down to a "t" (because i really don't at all), but i realize that my attempt to place myself in the spotlight through suave james bond-esce style actually was a hindrance to my own game.

i realize now that my ability to talk to people has come with my reassurance in my identity and who i am as an individual. i'll never forget the time in high school when the hottest girl in our grade wanted to date me. after so many years of working so hard to be with someone, it came during the one time where i though i just shouldn't give a shit anymore who dates me.
but that's alright. now i find that it isn't hard to just be who i am and enjoy it. to be cool and slick just by understanding that some things in life are worth working for and then there are some that just happen when you least expect it. i honestly never would have thought that being a japanese american/alaska native would be so gratifying because before i always, in the back of my head, thought it was a disadvantage by not being white.

i rep peace, j doramas, ck specs, justice, silk shirts, socks that don't match, love, miso ramen, the real real football, passion, my macbook pro, two left feet, heart, dreams that are yet to be fulfilled, and hard work to get me there.

on the eve of independence

eyelids are heavy as i slip in and out of an uncontrollable willingness to sleep, but i won't let myself submit to slumber. under pain of exhaustion, i can't stop these fingertips from unleashing the words from within.

i find it hard to believe that in 1776, a bunch of rich white people sat around a table and carved out a document that would inevitably free us from so-called tyranny and so thereafter, formed this country. it amazes me that it all started right there. and now, 231 years later, we find ourselves at a place where people of color are still not able to find themselves in painted murals depicting that auspicious day. we weren't allowed at the table then and even now, we find that despite the efforts made and the blood spilled on hallowed grounds, the playing field is still uneven and racism runs rampant. from the ink of the feathered pen to the document signed by traitors of the british empire, i don't think it's unreasonable to believe that, at the time, they believed that their actions were just and it was their duty to turn against the hand that supposedly fed them. it was their responsibility to cry out "freedom" in the darkness of night.

and so, we shall continue to follow in the tradition of those that turned a colony into a nation. now, it is our turn to take back the night and turn it into day. and bring justice, freedom and happiness to all of the people that inhabit this great nation. to do so is to follow in the long line of those that came before. i hope to honor their memory by continuing to fight.

conference

tomorrow i embark upon the last of my trips for my job. as a fellow for an amazing non-profit, this youth conference is to be the culmination of all of the hard work that i have done for the organization over the course of the last year. with youth to be gathering from all across the country i wonder if it will be a success or an utter failure. i hope it is the earlier than the later, but at the same time, it makes me wonder as to how i have truly faired in this organization. have i made a difference during my time here.

i have pondered over the question many times and i can't help but feel that i have not had a significant impact upon this organization and this group of people that i love so much. yes, love is the only way to describe the reasons for why i joined, why i believed and still believe and have aspirations to be in the leadership ranks in the future. and that is why i have raised the bar of my participation so high. because i believe in the organization's mission, and more so, the people.

i hope that i have not failed in my quest to make this organization better than when i had started out. when i piece together the things that i have done, it's almost an illusion to think that i am worthy of praise. we'll see starting tomorrow if my coming this far was worth the journey. i leave with a heavy heart, but with the promise to return....hopefully.